Rediscovering Me
I am proud of the woman I am today because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.
Unknown
My undergrad English professor assigned a paper with the topic, Who am I? Simple, right? To my surprise, I murdered the assignment. My paper was filled with blood red comments – Sheba, who are you? Who is Sheba? Being a mother does not define who you are. I proudly submitted a paper explaining that I was a mother. I shared how being a mother changed my life, etc. I probably even discussed being a student because that’s who I thought I was: a mother and a student. Needless to say, I was livid reading her comments. How dare she tell me who I’m not. Who did she think she was? Obviously, she was an adult woman with a Ph.D., but I could care less back then. I was twenty, with no degree, minimal lived experience, but all knowing. I continued to resent her comments for the rest of the semester and years to follow because I thought I knew who I was.
I was wrong. I had no idea who I was. I realized I was clueless of who Sheba was years after completing undergrad and graduate school. I begin to feel lost and empty in my thirties. Discovering I didn’t know myself as a 30 something year old woman felt embarrassing. How did I allow this to happen? My English professor tried to show me the light, but I wasn’t going at the time. I allowed roles, people and the world’s opinions to define me. When most girls were exploring and discovering parts of their core self, I was learning to be a mother. I became a mother at 19 during my sophomore year of college. I was fickle and driven by fear. I feared failing, being a statistic and being the latest failure gossip story (small town problems). Girl, I low key feared my own shadow. So, I did what felt natural – I became obsessed with proving everyone wrong. I focused on excelling in school, being a mother and living a life approved by others.
After realizing I’d spent most of my adult life just existing, I decided to begin journeying to find myself. I needed to know who Sheba was. I needed to answer the question, “Who are you?” with confidence and certainty the next time it was posed. I needed to know who I was.
During this journey, I explored many parts of my life. I made quite a few realizations.
• My family and friends told me who I was.
• I silenced parts of myself to make others feel comfortable.
• I predominately operated out of fear.
• My relationship with God was not my own, but a relationship extending from the thoughts of others.
• I allowed others to negatively dissect my dreams and ideas.
• My parenting was loosely based off undesired judgement from people.
• I did not allow myself to change my mind about significant life events because I did not want to be viewed as a failure.
• I accepted a lot of societal norms because I felt I had too.
Understanding each realization assisted in discovering who I am. The realizations helped me peel back layers of myself and address limitations I placed on my life, not others. With each realization I was able to answer questions about myself. Discovering myself aided in embracing my passions, core beliefs, talents, unique traits, values because I am a sum of them. I am my passions, core beliefs, values, talents and unique traits. The roles I carry are an extension of who I am. The best part of this journey was realizing everything I needed to understand who I am was always within in me.
xoxo,
Sheba
