Finding My Authentic Voice

Finding your voice is similar to an infant learning to scream. You want to use it all the time. It’s intriguing, new and freeing.

Unknown

I haven’t always felt I had a voice. I haven’t always used my voice. To be exact, I spent majority of my life existing without authentically speaking. Sure, I spoke. I used words while conversing with other humans, but those words were guarded and filled with thoughts that were well received by others. I spent much time ensuring I was not rocking the boat with my words. I often replayed scenarios while thinking, “what if I had said this?” I was ultimately always left with the unknown, not knowing the possible outcome because I failed to use my voice. I felt trapped often. Unheard. Unvalued. I felt the world was only receiving a part of me. I was dimming my light to ensure others were comfortable. I was merely existing and not living.

I became acquainted with my authentic voice after a break up. The breakup was one of the toughest, but brightest periods of my journey. It was the beginning of my journey to self. I guess I should thank my ex-boyfriend for being the catalyst for this journey. After surviving Kubler Ross’ five stages of grief, I was ready to peel the layers of me. I was ready to explore my next phase in life. I wasn’t searching for my voice, she found me.
Finding my voice was liberating, but scary. At times, I spoke too much. I listened too little. I was afraid of not being heard. My new-found voice was highly complex. I began sharing opinions and thoughts that did not always fit into boxes. My authentic voice colored outside lines. My words were new and off putting to those that were used to my past voice “in limbo.”

Some were not fond of my new voice, as I could tell by their body language or comments. Their reactions caused me to question myself. At times I felt uncomfortable. I wondered if the new journey was for me because I felt I was causing others to feel uncomfortable. I reminded myself of the heaviness, trapped, uncomfortable feelings felt while not using my voice. Which was worse? I made a choice between the world and myself. I chose me. I chose to explore exactly who I was, who I wanted to be, how I felt, and how I wanted to show up in the world daily. I vowed to use my voice with intent and purpose.

As a woman, specifically a black woman, owning my authentic voice was the best gift I ever gifted myself. It is filled with self-love, truth, self-care, magic and authenticity. Now, what is possibly better than that?

xoxo,

Sheba